China’s promise of $48,000 award for terrorism tip-offs draws huge response from Tibetans
Lhasa – As soon as China announced a $48,000 reward for tip-offs about acts of terrorism in Tibet, hundreds of Tibetans called their local police stations and offered tips to the government. According to the police, many of the tips were characteristically vague and long-winded in keeping with Tibetan tradition, but a few were surprisingly specific and concrete, and are being used by the police to investigate potential acts of terrorism.
“I have witnessed with my own eyes a powerful terrorist group menacing our country,” said Mimed Lungtong, a Tibetan nomad, who is the father of many children in different places. “The group is called the Gang of Seven, and is apparently headed by an underground leader whose name is actually a number.”
Mimed Lungtong’s tip was accepted by the police as credible. The chief commissioner told him that his reward should come in the mail on or around February 31st.
“Tibet has a long history of terrorism, although no one talks about it,” said Katrinchay, another Tibetan tipster, who runs a tsampa bar in Lhasa. “In fact, it was here in Tibet that Mao began his brilliant career as an international terrorist, followed by his successors Deng and Jiang.” Katrinchay’s tip, which came half a century too late, was rejected by the police chief, who said that the past can no longer be predicted.
Earlier this week, fifteen Communist Party officials were arrested after their plans to bomb the Potala Palace were apprehended by the police with help from the Nechung oracle, who has joined the police department by acquiring a fake passport. The fact that the bomb blast was prevented brings little relief to the Tibetans.
“The terrorists have created a climate of fear and turned Tibet into a state of terror,” cried Kyipo Mindug, a popular musician from Lithang, whose songs were pirated thousands of times last year by her grateful fans. “The terrorists have penetrated every aspect of our life; they are in our phones, in our emails, in our Weibo accounts, even in our WeChat conversations! That’s why I’m so relieved that the police is finally doing something to stop this giant terrorist network.”
It is not clear who is funding the terrorist network in Tibet, though some point to the American public who has been buying “Made-in-China” products for the last decade. Some has suggested that the mysterious terrorist leader’s name sounds like the Tibetan word for death (shi), while others have speculated that it sounds more like the Tibetan word for lice (shik). The terrorist network, in a taped message, has claimed responsibility for the death of 1.2 million Tibetans and the destruction of 6,000 monasteries, and promised that it will not disappoint those who predict further damage on the roof of the world.
“Given that this organization of terror has brought so much tragedy to our country, $50,000 seems a bit too stingy of a reward for my valuable tip,” said Mimed Lungtong, who is eagerly waiting for his check to arrive.
– Undercover reporters Lama Yak, Tsampa Revolution and Dremong contributed to this investigative story from Tibet.
The above is a parody at China’s announcement of cash reward for people tipping off the police about “terror attacks”. The contributor’s name has been withheld as requested.
